Destroying myself one breath at a time.

Sessions 3.1 +

Session 3.1                                                                                                         August 18,2013

“Fucked forever,” I said, forcing her to stare at me like she’d seen a ghost.

 

Session 3.2                                                                                                         June 29,2014

“Almost a year,” she started, “that’s how long its been,” she ended.

The room, i thought, was like a picture – nothing was different. The before was equal to the after and i was beginning to understand, that no matter the changes in my life, her’s would remain just as i left it.

“I know,” i added and thinking to myself, i continued with curiosity, “what happens when i’m not around?”

She was scoping me, her head going up and down – until she settled for my face, “I read.”

I accepted her answer with grace or so i thought, and changing the subject, whispered – “i want to talk about the purpose of my life, the point of it all  – you know? I think i’ve found it.”

“So tell me then, what is it?” she seemed interested.

“Reality.”

“Reality?”

“Yeah, i’m done dreaming, i’m not gonna let life hand it to me on a daily basis, i’m not gonna rant about philosophy or psychology or such bullshit, it is what it is and i’m here living it.” I said feeling that i’d explained it clearly enough.

“You’re living in reality? is that what you mean?”

The question embarrassed me, it felt like a failed attempt at clarity and perhaps, i wasn’t clear myself about what i wanted to say.

“I read somewhere that a lot of great people found themselves in their thirties. I am almost twenty-nine, this is my last chance.”

She picked up the book she was reading from on top of the table in between us and pulled out the bookmark from in between the pages. It was yellow rectangular cutout with handwritten text on one side. She leaned forward and handed it to me, but before i could read it, she said “I wrote this for you after you left last time, i was meaning to post it to you incase you didn’t show up anymore.”

“I’ll always show up,” i said, feeling bad.

“Read it,”she completed.

I looked down at the yellow paper, half expecting to find a quote of some type and found exactly that….

Fucked forever!

Session 3.3                                                                                                         September 9,2015

“Are you there?” I said, knocking at the wooden door, leaning in just a bit so i could get a better angle to look around the room.

“I am,” she said, appearing from a corner of the room that i hadn’t quite managed to cover with the wander of my eyes. “it feels good to see you again, another year later!”

“I thought we left our last conversation unfinished, i came to give you my comeback.”

Fucked forever was always going to be the footnote to my story, always reminding me that life tends to find a way to shit all over any plan i make to dig myself out of this hole i call existence. As i keep kept reinventing myself at every turn, what i didn’t realise is that it made it less and less likely for me to get right with any one thing. It didn’t take long before i found myself confused and lost inside a problem that i helped create in the first place.

“So, give it to me..” she challenged, letting her voice trail towards the end.

“I am fucked, forever. But, i’m going to use it to my advantage.”

She looked at me amused, “not much of a comeback!”

“I know, but it doesn’t matter anymore because its not going to stop me, instead it’s going to be the one thing that gets me through this piece of shit excuse for a life. I know now, that, which I’ve been missing all my life…” it was my turn to let the words fade out.

“I am happy for you.” She looked right at me to convey an assurance that ‘eyes didn’t betray.’ “So, what have you found?”

The thing about my therapist, is that she is mine. Its the rest of you who don’t understand, won’t understand, i don’t wan’t you to understand because in my loneliness lies my pinnacle. I’m not going to wait around for the universe to explode because i don’t get that much time to live, but i acknowledge the end of time. I recognise the point in things, and the point is nothing. I recognise,

“Myself.”

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